i'm not ok. is that okay?

well here's to the first post of 2017.

i don't even know where to start, so much has happened since the last time i've blogged. i'm so bad at this.
well i'm 22 now. i've been in tennessee for 5 years 10 months and 11 days,  so that's cool i guess.  seems like a long time right? yeah i know. funny thing is, people think i'm joking when i tell them i literally have not one friend around my age here  to hang out with/ go out with/ do stuff with. no i don't want you to feel bad for me or hit me up after you read this, i actually like doing stuff by myself but it'd be nice to have someone to do stuff with now and then. yeah i have friends, but they all live in different states. which is fun to go visit them and stuff but sucks when you wanna hang out with them and you can't. i mean moving here my junior year of high school really fucked everything up, but i guess it's still my own fault, i don't really go out and try to meet new people. i haven't started college and with my jobs, i basically work alone.

im surrounded by people in a way but you know that feeling when you're surrounded by people but you feel so alone? yeah that's how i've been feeling.
 literally all i do is eat, sleep, work, medical stuff, netflix and repeat. but all i want to do lately is sleep. i feel so tired and stuck. like everyone else around me is moving forward in their lives, and here i am just stuck. i feel lost, like i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life or where i'm supposed to be. i'm so broken i can feel it. i mean physically feel it. this is so much more than just being sad now. this is affecting my whole body. i need to change something in my life because what i'm doing now is not working. i hide my feelings well i think, you'll never know how i'm really feeling. i try to stay positive for the most part and make jokes because let's be real i'm funny af and my life's a joke atm. but it'll get better, right? yeah that's what they all say.

my parents are still using me as their middle man for my brother and sister because my dad refuses to talk to my mom about anything regarding my younger siblings, and i'm sooo done with it. i don't even live with them anymore. please grow up, be a parent, and deal with your own stuff. god forbid something bad happens with one of my siblings and they still won't communicate. it's sooo annoying and stupid.
part of me wants to leave TN and leave everyone and everything behind.

i got in a relationship last summer. looking back at it now. it was a bad relationship and i knew it going in to it but i didn't wanna see it. he treated me like crap and i don't know how i couldnt see it until now. i learned a lot from it tho. he showed me what kind of person i don't want to be with ever again. it did brake my heart tho, when things ended, because i did really like him for some unknown stupid reason. i remember sitting in my car feeling like i couldn't breath and now i can't tell you one thing that i liked about him or why i even did like him.  he tried to hit me up a couple months after we broke up, i knew he would, but he had his chance the first time and he fucked it up.
ive been on some dating apps for a while but i'm about sooo over them. i've met a lot of guys off there and 99% of the guys on there are assholes who can't get over their ex and wanna get to know you just enough to make you think they're interested or care and then leave after they realize they're not gunna have any fun with you because you're actually looking for something real, and then someone else comes along and they wander why you have such a hard time opening up to people. hmm i have no fucking idea. maybe cuz all the people i've opened up to in the past had bad intentions, lied to me, left me for someone else, or screwed me over.
i started seeing someone else after that ended but he moved away a couple months ago. he was never mine but he made me feel loved and losing him broke me. but i basically broke my own heart that time, i knew what we had was only temporary.

anyway, i wrote some new songs. i wrote them mostly for me and i'm really self conscious about them because they're personal but i hope one day i can actually put them out there and do something with them.

oh and i'm about to take 2 road trips within the next two weeks. i love discovering new music so if you guys would be so awesome and leave a comment with your favorite song or a bunch of your favorite songs, that would be so great. i need some new music to listen to. i like all kinds so don't hold back :)



xoxo  love,
sam